It's easier to say goodnight, than to say goodbye.
Well, ain't that the truth. I hate goodbyes. Whether it's to my house as I pull out of the driveway to go to school, my dogs to go on vacation, a pair of shoes that Tony got a hold of, or my best friend...
It's been so hard without him. I'm so used to having my best friend right there whenever I need him. And now, whenever I do, he's not there. He's a whole 900 plus miles away, and that's difficult. It's not the same texting or IMing Weston. It just isn't. To me, it seems that he's gotten a better handle on this than I have. And I feel like I'm the only one missing. I don't get the gist that the feeling is mutual. He says he's busy...so am I...but I find the time. He's the one that never wanted to loose me as his best friend, it was his idea, and now I feel like I'm the one who's trying to hold it together, like I'm the one responsible. I try, I really do. And every time, I feel like I'm failing.
I wish I had a job, so that I could have money. It drives me nuts. I've applied to about a million jobs and every time it's the "We're happy to see your interest in the job opening, but we're sorry to say that the position has been filled..." Oh. My. Lanta. Why!? Ugh, if I had a job, then I could be paying for this, I could buy my own gas and groceries, and what I've wanted to buy ever since August 7th...a plane ticket to Dallas, TX. I never thought that I would want to go to Texas on my own will, but when my best friend is there, I feel like I have to. Tickets, hotel, etc...it's all so...much. Too much. I've been trying and waiting patiently to find a job, and my patience is definitely running short.
To my best friend. You've been there for me for the past 3 years and I want you to be there for me for even more to come. I wish you all the best. I really do. I know that sometimes I sound bitter towards all of this, but it's because I'm missing the fact that you're not coming home soon, you're not on vacation. Even though I was your first girlfriend...I was your best friend first, and I still am. But it kills me to know that I was the first girl to hold your hand, and now you're holding some other girl's hand. I know it shouldn't bother me, and that's why I try not to let it, but sometimes, in the back of mind, I feel pain. I've learned to breath without you, but I need your shoulder to cry on. And that's something I'm still learning how to live without. And it's hard. It's not easy for me. At times I feel like I've lost a friend...but it's like this Einstein quote...
"I like to think that moon is there even if I am not looking at it."
I feel like this with our friendship...I can't see it all the time, but I like to think it's there. And I know it is, but sometimes it's too cloudy to see it. I miss Weston. I miss my best friend. I miss being able to fall back on someone. I don't even know what this would be like if we tried to keep the relationship long distance. I definitely would have cracked. But I can be strong, or I can try to be. Though he's physically not here, I know that somewhere he's there, and I know in the back of his mind and the bottom of his heart, he misses me too.
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